Went to France
last night with Keith and Chris. Saw the Eiffel tower. That was new, interesting, kind of awk-sauce, but worth it to say that I’ve been there done that. What’s next?
Court
date is today. I want to put him in jail so badly. To bad he appologized for hitting me and that my mother loves him more than she obviously loves her own kids safety. Damn. Court again Feb. 13th for grand theft auto…well, dropped to joy riding…that was stupid of me to even consider so I deserve what I get out of that, hopefully not jail time.
I am just a
manic-bipolar-schizo-adhd girl who is crazy in love with a boy named Austin. Shoot me in the face. Please.
Rednecks
Aren’t to shabby. It’s nice to have a few rebel flag, camo wearing, dip-spitting, gun shooting, good ol’ boys on my side. New found friends in all there faded glory. UHMERICA.
Waiting tables again. Thank god for more hours. A second job is needed in order to expedite moving out. Soon enough, soon enough. Just twiddling my thumbs at this point. I need my car back. My wings have been clipped for long enough.
My brother is in jail. I already miss him. Everything in me wants to bail him out. I wonder if he’s scared. I wonder if they feed him right. He needs to learn his lesson though. Perhaps I will visit soon.
Wes broke up with me. 3 months down the drain. 3 months of my young adult life I will never see again. Oh well, I’m a free woman now…and I’ve been wanting to fuck anything with a pulse. Oh hormones. Raging hormones.
I miss Austin S. He was my rock. He is my rock. A lover and friend and fantastic drummer at that. I wish he would return my phone calls. I wish he would acknowledge my existence. He keeps me hanging and yet cuts all the chords of my heartstrings. It hurts. I hurt. We both hurt each other. Addiction is a nasty monster, much worse than the one I thought lived under my bed. It tears you and everyone you know in two. Into pieces. It doesn’t care who you are or how much money you have, it just wants to feed. Feast. I miss him so much. Every time I see a raven I think of him. I trained myself to associate that bird with him. It makes missing him a little easier every time I see one. He is too free of a spirit with crippled wings. I could nurse him back to health if only he’d let me. I’m in love. Again. For real this time. It’s been months and I still can’t let him go. I’ve tried. I’ve cried. I’ve died a little on the inside. I want him badly. So badly. I’d do about damn near anything to have him back. We had it for a little while. A little sliver of drug induced romance. Addiction brought us together and then shortly after tore us apart. We should have died. He says he loves me, even to this day. He’s says I’m beautiful and I full heatedly believe him. I need him soon or I just might collapse. He was my column, my support system, I invested to much emotion into him and now I can’t let go for anything. I want to hold the cracks together but through my fingertips, they are slipping farther and farther apart. I’m loosing grasp. Come back to me someday. I will wait. Patiently. Like a child in timeout for much to long, I will wait.
Salvador Dalí arranging a tableau vivant for In Voluptas Mors, photographed by Philippe Halsman, 1951
(Source: v3ra-ic0n, via thephrygiancap)
Ownership
has been my priority lately.
New phone, bought and continually paid for by me.
Car insurance and gas, covered by me.
No rent to worry about.
Food and cigarettes, paid in full by me.
Life is good. Life is great. Keep the money train rolling.
